So it has been six months since I was diagnosed and a lot has happened in that time. I am still no where near a full decoy but I am slowly and surely getting there.
It has been a struggle and there have been major upheavals and added traumas along the way, but slowly and day by day, the happy person I seemed to be as a baby is coming back. I suddenly realised why I had all of this darkness within me, what the issues were and removed them from my life. As with all journeys of self discovery and enlightenment., it hasn’t been easy and there have been many hard decisions to make and traumatic events have taken place. I have realised that having certain toxic people in my life was not woofor me and so I made the dramatic decision to cut my family out of my life. It has been the most hardest, difficult but also most enlightening experience of my life. I finally realised that the emotional abuse I was receiving from my family was the main factor for me feeling so low and depressed. Without fully realising it, the abuse was still happening and I was allowing it to happen. Yes the sexual abuse had ended, but the emotional abuse and the guilt they were making me feel was still on going. I was like a victim of Stockholm syndrome. I knew my mother and sister were my tormentors, yet I was still trying to please them no matter what. I was still that eight year old child looking for reassurance, acceptance and love. It was like Albert Einstien stated: “The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over again and expecting different results”. I had had my eureka moment. I was the real reason I still felt inadequate and had no self esteem. I was quite literally making myself insane! By holding onto my childhood desires and expecting my families attitude towards me to change I was quite literally repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I knew that in order to move on something had to change. The dynamics of our relationships had to change. How would I do this however? I knew I couldn’t be strong enough to stand up to them in a confrontation and I knew I couldn’t just cut them out of my life as they were my family and I loved them. So how was I going to implement these changes? Luckily, fate stepped in and took the decision and choice out of my hands.
After months of discussions with my husband and my counsellor, I decided it was time to start making my own decisions and deciding what type of people I wanted in my life. Yes I was stuck with my family but did I really need any other negative influences in my life? I decided it was time to cut any negative people out of my life.
I hardly had many friends left anyway, as my sister and mother had ruined every relationship that I had had. However, there were still some childhood friends I was in contact with. Unfortunately, so was my mother. Little by little, she began telling me how these friends were bad mouthing me behind my back. I knew my mother was exaggerating but also knew there was probably some slight truth in what she said, so I began to become distrustful of these friends and decided it was best to cut them out of my life. It would be best to start again with friendships even though I knew I would find it difficult to trust people as I had been let down by many people before.
My mother hated the fact that I was making my own decisions and was constantly telling me what an embarrassment I was to her. I tried to ignore her as best I could, however her negative voice was starting to get to me and bring me down. It was then that my mother changed her tactics. She started suggesting that I could only possibly be making these new decisions as I was being controlled or brain washed by my husband and counsellor. In her mind these people were leading me to make these changes that she didn’t accept. I was obviously so weak and feeble in her mind that I would never make these decisions on my own. The final straw came a week later. I invited my sister and her family to come a stay. This was mainly out of duty as I had not seen her in nearly a year really wanted to see my niece and nephew. After several failed attempts to get my sister to meet up (she was previously always to busy or on a couple of occasions cancelled on me last minute as she got a better offer! As you can imagine this did wonders for my self esteem! Not!), we had finally arrange for her to come the following Friday for the entire weekend. The plan was she would arrive early on the Friday so we could an extra full day together. I was excited and planned a lovely dinner and days out. The day arrived and I had dinner prepared. It got to midday and there was no sign or contact from my sister. I texted her to see if they were on their way. She replied stating she was busy with friends and would not be leaving her house until early evening so would not get to mine until at least 9pm. I was livid! Not only was I yet again second best and being pushed aside as if I didn’t matter, but yet again she was showing a complete lack of respect for me or our plans. I messaged back and asked about the dinner I was preparing. She responded they would eat before they arrived. Was angry and upset, but what could I do? I threw away the food I had prepared and awaited their arrival. They arrived at 9.30pm and after getting settled I opened a bottle of wine. I noticed that every time my husband spoke my sister would role her eyes or speak over him. Eventually my husband, feeling exasperated by this, made his excuses and went to bed. I was left alone with my distant her husband. After a while, the conversation got onto my mother.
My sister started to get very aggressive when I told her about the decisions I had made and how mum had reacted. She become almost ferile waving her arms around and getting louder by the second. My instincts told me that she was brewing for a fight so to avoid any confrontation I suggested we went to bed. My sister responded that we were going to continue the conversation and I was not going to bed just because I didn’t like what she was saying. I was beginning to feel threatened and just wanted to get to the safety of my bedroom and to my husband. However, my sister had other ideas. She stood above me waving her arms around and stated that she had spoken to our mother and it was obvious that my husband was controlling and making my decisions for me. I told her that this was absurd and that I could not understand why they both seemed to think someone had to be in control of me. I said I was more than able to make my own decisions and was strong enough to not be in an abusive relationship. As I said these words, my eureka moment happened. I realised why my sister and mother were so angry. They realised they were losing their control over me and in their minds the only reason that could possibly be was because someone else was controlling me. They could not comprehend that I may have suddenly formed my own opinions and be taking control of my own life. Suddenly the vail was lifted. It was one thing to abuse me all these years but not my husband. I realised all of a sudden that the darkness within was caused by my sister and my mother. I had spent so long given them all the power that there was nothing left for me. I realised there in that moment that it was them who had the problem and not me. All of the hurt, pain and torture they had including me came rushing to the surface. I stood up and calmly asked my sister and her family to leave my house. I realised I was no longer a child and I did not have to put up with being abused and treated in this manner especially in my own home. My sister looked shocked and told me if she left right now her and my mother would never speak to me again. I calmly looked at her and stated once again that I wanted her to leave my house. She left.
That was nine weeks ago. I have had no communication with either my mother, sister or any other family member since. I have been though a kind of grieving process. I was completely down and once again felt the darkness envelope me. I went to my doctors and am now on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist to get help manage my condition. He also increased my anti depression medication.
I don’t know what the future will hold or if I will ever have a relationship again with my family. All I do know is that I have finally realised that happiness can be mine and I will never find it within my family. They are the ones with the problems and not me. Yes I have issues, but unlike them I am getting help and advice and learning how to be a better person. I do not need to put up with abuse of any kind from any person. I am a decent and loving person and anyone who doesn’t respect that will miss out on knowing me and being apart of my life. I know I will probably still have my bad days and my wobbles, but I can honestly say that through my eureka moment I have finally seen that happiness is mine for the taking. There is light at the end of the tunnel and the darkness that once took over my entire life is slowly but surely dispersing. I hope you all find your own eureka moments too.